Bottle(d) Up

They are not fighting for you and you are always left without and alone staring at the ceiling in the darkness of your dwelling with a heart pounding in your head desiring someone you cannot have wishing you could at least have gotten to know them and know of their existence before the rejection settled in to give you a fighting chance.

 Just don’t act on it
my father says.
It’s not the right time or place.
And he’s right.
My heart is pounding in my chest
as I lie here in bed
thinking
of the desire I have just found
for another man yet again
that I cannot have.
 
Be it because of honor
age
duty
a workman’s reputation
or irony,
I keep finding myself in situations
such as these.
 
The quiet ones are the worst
because you’re attracted to them
like honey bees are to honey
and they’ll never make the first move.
 
The smooth talkers may steer you away
for a time
for a night
for a day
but the quiet ones always stay
with you forever
because years later
you’ll hear an inner voice in your head say:
 
What if I had acted on my impulses?
What could have been said?
What book of experience would have been written?
What emotions would have been read?
What poem could have been created?
What song would we have sung?
Would the melody be happy or sad?
Would we have lasted?
Or would we have ended abruptly
like everything else has done?
 
Men like these
stare at you like an object
a prize they have not won
that they’re not even sure
if they want to win.
They are not fighting for you
and you are always left without and alone
staring at the ceiling
in the darkness of your dwelling
with a heart pounding in your head
desiring someone you cannot have
wishing you could at least have gotten to know them
and know of their existence
before the rejection settled in
to give you a fighting chance.
 
Breathing it all in
you choke.
You are waiting patiently for the moment
when the desires just simply disappear
like an exhale that escapes you
these thoughts, these people
eventually escape you too.
You’re left wondering always
why this void of want
where two people do nothing
where nothing has grown
leaves you unhappy and unfilled
and not whole.
You dream of some old ones still
back when ‘home’ was a different kind of home.
 
You know
that this is just another part of your journey
another step in your stride.
It comes and goes
like the coming of the tide
and luckily no one has to know
why you are suffering a little inside.
 
So shut it down.
Shut down all your feelings
because you already know what is coming.
The end of a hopeless pipe dream
like a house you never finished building
with a person you never will end up sharing
any part
of your heart, body, or soul.